Taking Stock

'Do Better'

Every year I have a slogan that I come up with that guides and keeps me in check throughout the year. I have the phrase on my screen savers, phone and laptop. In 2018, I had 'positive vibes only', this year my catch phrase is 'do better'. The reason I chose this phrase is because I've made mistakes that I don't want to ever repeat. I acknowledge them but haven't let them define who I am and who I get to be. 'Do better' means I forgive myself, pick a lesson and welcome gradual personal growth. Today I take stock in the most open, vulnerable and honest ways possible to me.

Having a pretty high drive for working out lately. I love when my body is active. Spending time on a field running is among some of my best life moments! Other than it being a healing process, it's taste is like that of cold water flowing down your throat after a hectic hike or aimless walk on a desert - refreshing! I enrolled in a gym late last year but I only managed to go there for few days within 2 weeks - work constraints. I found a cheaper & convenient option so I cancelled my membership and now only do laps and sprints at a field on Saturday mornings.

Making time for fun! As last year came to an end, I was sitting going through a journal I've kept for a long time. Reading through it, all I'd see captured were mostly stories about work progress, family progress, finances and maybe heartbreaks. There were less experiences captured on fun things I did. I did go for marathons and hikes but I gave so much energy to the side that was less functional. When this year started I promised myself that doing better will involve me having the best fun a girl can have. It's month 3 now, what have I done to that effect so far? In Jan, I learnt how to ride a bike at Karura forest. I'm proud to now be among the 99.99% bike riders population. Together with a group of friends, I went to Machakos People's Park for Zip-lining. In February, I visited Ololua Nature Trail & Giraffe Center and in this month, my birthday month, I think I'll climb a mountain - work in progress. Part of doing better includes avoiding rigidity. I believe that life is short and I am planning to make the best of the time I have here on earth. If I have to be a local tourist - then be it. 

Eating less home made food. Okay, this might be taken to mean that I am eating out a lot but that's not the case. For the last 2 months I've found myself cooking 'lazy' foods quite often. Lazy foods are those you don't need much effort to make, e.g. Ugali & eggs, Rice & Waru...just your typical quick fix. I blame this on staying alone. I only cook heavy meals during weekends or when I have friends over. My cooking gas sometimes lasts 6 months and that's not a bad thing at all, lol.

Wanting a life that is full of happiness tbh. Every once in a while I look in the mirror and tell myself that where I am is where God intended me to be. That the body he gave me is what he knew would look good on me. That the family he blessed me with is his perfect choice for me - so I use what I have to create the best version of happiness for me. I love when there's joy around me, when there's peace of mind and love around me. My ideal world is a world without politics, with love as the main religion and with people that see the best in each other and constantly seek to show up when their help is sought. I guess I'm creating that for myself.

Drinking 1500 ml water everyday - no jokes! I rarely get sick but when I do, it's showtime! It's like the blood cells call a meeting and agree that their main agenda will be to boycott proper functioning. I recently saw a doctor who told me that I wasn't drinking enough water and that for my body to operate well, i needed to improve on that. You'd wonder why it needed a doctor for me to realize that water is key. I actually fainted sometime last month (for seconds for the 1st time in my life) and had to rush to hospital for check up. Now my water goes everywhere I go. Also - my skin is incredibly clear, you should see me! Side benefit :) I'm taking my health more serious now. That age and sickness thing? It's seems true.

Reading again!!! Let me expound. Back in high school and partly in campus, I used to be a very passionate reader. I'd have stacks of novels in my room that I'd go over more than once. Things changed when the effect of the web slapped me and I moved to reading blog-posts, e-books, etc. Now the problem with that was that I rarely finished reading these because while I was in the process of reading one, a notification from whichever social site would pop up and I'd instantly get distracted. It's not been easy making the shift to physical books but I am doing quite well for myself. Last month I bought and read - to completion - an amazing book; "Of Pawns & Players"  by Kinyanjui Kombani. A Kenyan author dubbed the 'banker who writes'. Reading physical books has contributed hugely to my attempts at avoiding aimless web surfing. Right now I'm reading "The Prophet of Yonwood" by Jeanne Duprau, a book I bought along Moi Avenue recently which isn't as interesting as I thought it'd be. I have to push through to the last page though. I'm on page 81/289.

Playing music on my ears 24/7. I think the person that discovered music, if still alive, would be deserving of lifetime accolades this world could ever afford. There's no day in my life that goes by without music. I live, love, eat and breathe music. Other than working out, this also is my go-to healer! My phone, earphones, sub-woofer, YouTube - little things I treasure. My phone playlist has 285 songs! I just don't seem to settle on a favorite genre. I love what's good for my ears.

Creating a platform and safe space where I get to be vulnerable and most at peace - my house (rented house). There's a video I watched where a guy was asked to describe someone/something he loved. He said "I love her because in her I have a home - she is my home." I like that he took home to mean a safe space and that she was his safe place. Anyway, my physical safe space is where I currently live. It's what and where I call home. I feel like I have really created a space where I'm most okay and easy, where I get to relax and recuperate and do only things that I love and enjoy. It's a space where I get to only welcome good vibes and happiness. For this to come by, it meant paying rent on time, doing general cleaning every week, repairing an occasional mess, sprucing up what needs sprucing. I function well when my house is squeaky clean. I am a very organized person - I was asked to not confuse that with OCD.

Wishing I'd know how to work around/through major trust issues I've got. I struggle with trusting people especially romantic partners. It's really something I've tried working on but I don't seem to get anywhere with it. I haven't been cheated on before - but I've been led by the person I was once with to think and feel that they cheated so I really don't understand where the trust issues originate from. Sometimes a good guy comes along and we vibe good and just as we're about to dive deep, I hold back. I have this great fear of relationship failure, like what if we kick things off and things just end after putting in the work? What if we stop loving each other? Or one person stops loving the other? I know it's good to take risks because nothing is guaranteed but I really lack the strength to take risks with my heart. It's something I need help with. That's what's keeping me single - I don't know how to trust people - again.

Loving the person that I am growing to be! I am turning 26 this coming Wednesday and looking back at the girl I was last year and years prior, I see growth - massive growth. I feel different and act different. I feel like I was living in fear of being fully myself, I was quiet when I needed to express my thoughts, I was timid when I needed to be bold. I was a people-pleaser most of the time and was mostly a 'yes' girl. I hated my body. Now? I'm the the opposite of all that. What I like most about the person I'm becoming is the fact that I get to shamelessly and unapologetically be myself; kind, caring & happy, bubbly, loud & adventurous, bold, open & vocal about things that matter to me, unafraid of being vulnerable and constantly fighting societal expectation of what a young African woman should be and look like. I love and own my evolution, my story. I am becoming who I love deeply. I am encouraged by what Michelle Obama said in her book, "Even when it's not pretty or perfect. Even when it's more real than you want it to be. Your story is what you have, what you will always have. It is something to own."

Enjoying La Casa De Papel. I've once said on here that I am quite last minute when it comes to following hype and trends - well, unless it's hype and spoilers for Game of Thrones. I normally watch movies when people stop talking about them. I'm on Season 2 of Money Heist and my favorite character is Berlin, Denver & The Professor. Berlin is witty, fearless and extremely arrogant. He's calm in executing his threats which makes him hella lovable. Denver is so kind, loving and has the softest heart. His appearance at first wouldn't reveal this about him but after he falls in love with Monica, this shows. Also - his laughter is funny! The Prof, head, heart and mastermind of the heist. He would make a bad-ass team with Michael Scofield. I also love Rio's smile - so cute! Arturo? Everybody hates Arturo. I'm ready for season 3. Also...season 8 of Game of freaking Thrones is  exactly one month away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Liking the progress I'm making with things budgeting and money management. I'd postponed joining SACCO's for years but now I'm consistent in my contribution and I intend to maintain the discipline. I struggle with saving money so instead of setting aside money and depositing it in a bank, I use it for 'chama'. I consider the money I pay out to these chama's as debt I owe someone and that's been working okay for me. I am also doing the #52WeekChallenge which btw is too tough so I changed my target to a lower amount than the actual one set. I am making progress; slow but significant. I'm also reducing tendencies of impulse buying, which is a personal struggle!!!!!!!!!!! That said, I cannot stress enough the importance of a rainy-day account, where you can save and access funds in case of an emergency - came through for me last year when my former employer decided not to pay me after I decided to move elsewhere - a story I'll tell on here someday!

Hoping to #TembeaKenya more this year. It's possible for us too! Believe that!

Marvelling at what Sharon Mundia is becoming! Sharon Mundia (This is Ess) is a blogger/vlogger I really love and look up to. I like her content, her energy, her space, her work - I think she is very inspirational. Watching her grow from when I discovered her blog in 2013 to now having a show on NTV is really mind-blowing! I like that she empowers women to keep at it even when storms hit. She inspires the hell out of me! I don't know her in person but I want her to flourish so bad - same way I go hard for Beyonce! Beyonce is queen, PeriodT.

Following lots of very educative and fun Youtube Channels lately. My favorites are of course This is Ess , Shan Boody , Shameless Maya , The Green Calabash, Over Twenty Five, Iyanla Vanzant, MTV Shuga, The Red Table Talk and LowlaDee for short & sweet films. What/Who are you following?

Noticing that social media is becoming more toxic and messier by the day. I occasionally have my social media detox where I delete all social media Apps for days/weeks/months and just enjoy life outside of it all. I feel like there's so much to keep up with in one sitting. My energy for that is diminishing by the minute! I recently compared my monthly consumption of airtime and bundles - I was shocked at how much money I waste. Now, I'm offline at night and during weekends unless I have to really be online. I want to see where that takes me.

Thinking about how grateful I am. To be extremely honest, I am happy. I am happy - in September of last year I was deep into a self inflicted depressing state that left me so broken and I couldn't have said these three words. I really feel calm and not worried about stuff. I have peace of mind - something I seek in all my engagements. I am grateful for life and hopeful for more life. There's minor hiccups here and there but God's been showing up for me big time.

Here's to growth, love, happiness and doing better!