Speak Up?!...

'Can you all hear what she is saying?"

"Noooo!" the class retorted, jokingly. 

"My assumption is that you have all thoroughly done your research, prepared well and now ready to convey to us - your audience - a well thought our presentation, right?" All three of us gave a synchronized nod in response to the Lecturer's remark.

"Good. Now, speak up!"

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There's introverts - cool, calm, collected and then there's extroverts - the opposites of all that. I read on the internet(s) that you can be both, but one will somehow  override the other.  On the extreme, I'm extroverted - I'm as lively as they come. Right now I can say that I am socially confident but I cannot say the same for my years pre-campus. A former colleague once told me that I'm unapproachable. "Who? Me? How now? Are you for real-z?" I asked her with my big eyes wide open in disbelief.  I took to Google to find out what that word meant in detail because in my thought of thoughts and mind of minds, I was steady sure that I was an still is a friendly person. Should I smile more? Maybe that'll draw more people to me, right? But that'll also make them think I'm insane! Imagine walking along Harambee Avenue, hapo after Pst. Margaret's church before getting to Muthurwa, all smiles - all teeth out, my expression screaming "Come all Ye, that need a friend! I am trying to be approachable!" That'd elicit comments I'd not appreciate like "Kumbe wagoroki pia wanafanya kazi kwa hizi ofisi zetu?" 

There's a general assumption that outgoing people are confident people. That these people never shy away from taking the stage and bringing out the Obama in them. That these people know what they say, when to say it, how to say it and whom to say it to. I am here, brijrins and sistrins, to refute the claim and say that it might be true for some but for me issa No. 

Corporal punishment was a norm in our schools back in the day. No one protested it. Not the government, not the parents, not even feminists. It was normal for a child to expect caning when they did wrong. I hated every bit of it so I tried as much as possible not to get into trouble. My lively nature however got me in hot soup more times than I can remember. My name never missed in the noise-makers list. I was at the fore-front of unnecessary conversations in class. I thrived in extra-curricular activities. Working in teams gave me so much joy. In a crowd, i would shout and be loud and free. No one would tell me to shush it. No one would look at me and tell me that i was being uncivilized. Out in the field, i felt free and could think and express myself without feeling judged. In Primary school, I was probably a ring-leader of something - I can't remember what but I was known for it. Good thing about it though is that I was serious when it mattered and as a return, I never got expelled or suspended from school - all my life. Ha! There's this ka-feeling i have after using that phrase 'all my life' - my brain is quick to tell me "Ooh!!! for Crissakes you're only 25!! That ain't it - that ain't 'all your life'...beat it!" hahaha

In High School, the extrovert in me was given full play! I was all over the place. I had very many friends, I was in a group that was most feared, loved and hated in equal measure. I remember the group was a united pack especially in Form Two. It's like all our hormones had been summoned to participate in the Olympics. No one could tell us anything! We stuck together, fought for each other and called out bullies who'd try to walk over us. Some students were concerned about my character seeing that there was a huge difference between my sister and I. "Are you really sure Mercy's your sister?" She'd oftenly get this and other weird questions! We went to the same school if you're asking. They'd wonder why I was a complete opposite of her. My sister is an extreme introvert, she is quiet and calm. She was a very active Christian Union member at the time and also to top that up, she led the Praise & Worship team every Sunday! Mercy on the other hand was a member of a gang of teenage girls with raging hormones, she was loud and anarchy was written all over her deeds. There was never a week that ended without her being found blameless by prefects. I hated prefects, ooh man, I didn't even want to be friends with any of them - I thought they were all snitches. That's expected of a person who causes chaos! They fear authority hovering around them!

In campus, things changed but before i narrate how, I want to go back to the point I mentioned earlier about outgoing people not being confident people.

In my school life, primary and post-primary, I was a very good student. I was average in primary but in high school, life (and good teachers) made me love school a whole lot so things changed from average to good and eventually to great! My good performance always got me out of trouble. Good brains always comes in handy when in trouble. I remember there's a time I made so much noise in class and Mrs. Shiholo, my Kiswahili TA, who also happened to be the School Deputy Head-Teacher then, summoned me to her office. Expecting a thorough reprimand, i walked to her office in fear that I might be sent home. With a wide smile on her face, she calmly asked me to sit  down. I was confused since this wasn't how I expected to be treated! We'd just finished one Kiswahili exam and she brought out my already marked answer sheet. "You're a very bright girl. You're among the students to top my exam which I thought none of you would handle like you have. I am proud of you Kangwato. Keep it up!" The news made me want to jump up and down but I remembered that I was a criminal in a cage so "Wow, thank you very much Madam Shiholo" was all I could say. "Is that why you called me to your office Madam?" There's a way the teachers used to feel when you address them as madam or sir. They felt respected! This was my chance to use all madams I was to use on this day just to get out of trouble. She then said this "You are a good student, you just hang around bad company! I will not punish you today because i'm happy with your performance. I will let you go and think about your life from here on. Be like your sister!" Brains saved the day!...I left that office a changed girl, no doubt! ( I ended up actually taking after my sister - literally. I led the Praise and Worship team for a year after she cleared school - a story i will put down in words soon).

I was outgoing and active in groups but i wasn't confident when put on the spot. I performed well, I put down the right answers but when asked to say them out loud in a Q&A session in  class, I shied away. The right answers popped in my head but I could never bring myself to raise my hand and give the answer. I knew that I wasn't going to get it wrong but the fear of getting laughed at overpowered my ability to raise my hand and say it out loud for everyone to hear. I hated the feeling. I still do! I felt like speaking out would make me look stupid - and who wanted to look stupid in class when all they did was shine when outside?? Even in subjects that i thrived in, other than Maths, I wouldn't contribute much in class discussions. There was just that feeling at the back of my mind that occasionally made me feel like my answer wasn't good enough, or I would be wrong, or it would get opposed, or it would be rejected. So I just kept mum. It's because of this that Debate Club and I became water and oil. I also wondered why this happened to me. I was at loggerheads with myself - Why would I not bring myself to courageously speak up? Why was i like this? What's causing it?

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When the Lecturer said this, all memories of not being a good public speaker all came back through the window! We had made this presentation, alright, I had all points in my mind but I was dead scared to speak up! I was scared especially now that this was campus! This was where mature people are, at least that's what I knew then. This class was full of people who'd gone to Private schools and had Public Speaking as a lesson! I was shaking, profusely sweating and almost crying but i had to keep calm, face the class and explain what it was that we'd typed on the Powerpoint presentation! The Lecturer calling me out for not speaking up didn't make the situation any better - I was going to fail at this, and yes, I actually did fail at that particular presentation. I ended up reading the slides word by word - explaining nothing - glued where the computer was - feeling like the whole class was judging my style of speaking, my dressing, my face, my general outlook - I was a hot mess! To-date, first classes/presentations/meeting/interviews/dates/face-to-face interactions always work my nerves out! I'm extroverted, but not always courageous and/or confident.

It bothers me sometimes but it's who I am. I embrace the fact that I'm someone who needs to practise a thousand times to get it right. Even when I know I've got it right, I'll still doubt myself into some kind of a pity party. I am an over-thinker. I will overthink a plan into it not even being a plan again. I pay attention to the tiniest of details (I once texted 'I LOVE YOU' to someone I used to know and they replied with 'LOVE YOU TOO'. I got so mad. For me it's not the same. Call it petty but those two phrases have different meanings! LOL). I ask so many questions? I ask why? Why is becoming one of my favorite words.  

I accept my shortcomings and teach myself to be better! I look up to Lisa Nichols on this end of things. She's so confident! I want to be that confident even when put on the spot!

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Carpe Diem! See you when I rumble about next time! xoxo