Nairobbery

This is a tale of an experience once had by an extremely bubbly, beautiful african girl from the land full of milk & honey, tobacco, cassava and fish, better known as Awendo, Migori County, good neighbors with the city of raha, Kisumu. Among other great things, we boast of having the equator pass right through this mighty county, 6km North of Kisumu Central. Here you are able to stand with one foot in the Southern Hemisphere and one foot in the Nothern Hemisphere as you face the mystery of this line that separates them. I cannot, and do not even want to begin with our might Lake and luxurious islands we have in our name because you, my dear reader, will be overwhelmed with envy. Okei (insert Luopean accent here), shall we proceed? 

Yes, we sure are!

People from this land eat, breath, speak fish (or, at least I do). Girls from this locality and its surrounding are known for having humongous behinds, dark smooth chocolate complexion and are famous for their preference for high-end treatment from the opposite sex. I do not blame us, how can I? How can you? We come from the area where Englishmen first docked their fleet of mighty ships while ofloading the English Language. I mean, expecting less treatment and bowing down to midiocre associations would be an insult to the gods. We refuse to be treated less than the Luopeans we are *flips my 250k human hair*. 

Moving on.

Before you continue rolling your eyes from here to Timbuktu and back, I'll go ahead and narrate this experience that this your girl had few months back. I've put  this in the NaiROBBERY docket because it details among many, an evil way some individuals seek to make both ends meet at the expense of innocent country men & women. On second thought, I wouldn't consider this an experience per se, it's more of an 'A-ha! Moment'; one of those moments that leave you shook, woke and wide awake at the same time.

After the glamour, joy, excitement and ocassional feelings of “I can't believe I've made it” phrases immediately after graduating from univesity, there sets in a deep need for a job. With no networks and family friends who 'connect people' you're left to hustle out on your own. It's at this point where you're automatically expected by your folks to showcase some of the various skills you came out of university with, among them being a mature individual ready to go out there and take the bulls by their horns.

I was a lucky graduate. Here's why.

I started working at the age of 19 and the story around this is more of a miracle than a norm. It's a mystery I'll live to forever praise God for. Having to work full-time meant that I had to do evening studies and as much as I hated this in the beginning, I developed a deep liking for it after settling in. I especially loved the fact that almost all my other classmates were older than me so the oportunity to learn more than just class-work was something I held dear. This is why now when we approached graduation, I didn't really have much worry about job hunting. I needed exposure in my field (Marketing) but at that point of my life, the urge didn't press much. I was comfortable. I was okay with doing administrative work. Until I wasn't.

Do you ever just do something because it pays the bills? That was me then. So, to take a step towards positivity and happy living, I started applying for various positions out there. I found myself STILL applying for Adminstrative jobs since there's that kafear that overcomes you when you think of going out of what you're used to. There are times I would go away from this though and stay hoping that a call comes by. Brighter Monday and Shortlist were among some of my best companions when doing this. Few calls came in but their interview dates either  collided with my work days and I'd end up not going or maybe their salary range would be too unaccomodative for me and I'd snob that too. This happened for a while until I got a call from a 'manager' at Red Cross Society. My phone exchange with this manager got me imagining my rich-girl life, he got me burying all my sorrows in advance....haha

Before the call, one of my referees who happened to be a fellow colleague (holding a higher post in the same institution I worked for) came to my desk all excited and told me that there's a a manager who will be calling me shortly and is in urgent need of a PA. My referee did not reveal who this manager was and from where he'd be calling from. I took this so serious. It came from a person I respect a lot, I wouldn't think less of him and anything he would say to me job-wise would of course be something credible, right? Having previously shared my intentions to change jobs with him, he'd become my go-to person for such stuff and with this kind of news? Man, I was quite excited.

I wait for the call. 

Minutes after my referee goes back to his office, I get the call. I ask the students I was serving to kindly be served from the other desks and I proceed to our 'store room' where this huge deal was about to go down. Huge deal indeed.....

Unidentified caller: Hallo...hello...is this Mercy? Mercy Achieng' Kagwato? (he leaves out the 'N' , most people do and I've just gotten used to it....it's KANGWATO haha)

Me: Hallo, yes this is her....and who is this please? (I asked this though I already knew this is my future wealth starter pack item 1 ...haha)

Unidentified caller: My name is Mr. Mwangi, Mr. Paul Mwangi and I am calling you from Kenya Redcross Society.

Me: Okay...

Mr. Mwangi (with a very strict bossy tone): Mercy, I understand that you are looking for a job and I am in unrgent need of a PA.

Me: Yes Mr. Mwangi...I have been seeking placement elsewhere and..... (he cuts in. I don't finish my sentence)

Mr. Mwangi: Mercy, do you have a pen and paper? I am in quite a hurry and this is a process I want to finish today. This is an issue the HR was supposed to deal with last week. (he repeats...)..Mercy, ukona kalamu na karatasi?

Me: Yes sir, I have both with me. (At this point his tone has got me shook and a tad bit scared already, he isn't letting me finish my sentences, he's rushing through things ….but who cares though? He is from KENYA REDCROSS...this is how big people talk. They don't have time to discuss small issues..so I play along)

Mr. Mwangi (he digresses): Has Mr. S (my referee) already sent me your Recommendation Letter? Mmmmh...mmmhh...naangalia hapa email I'm seeing nothing. Mercy? Please hang up and tell Mr. S to send me that letter. I need to forward those things to the HR within the hour! ..Mbona bado hujakata? ...I will call you back in 5 minutes!

At this point I'm shaking partly because of the excitement that this guy is actually serious but also wondering what it will be like to work for such a boss who does not even let you finish your sentences! Jeez! I go back to my desk; fear/excitement written all over my face and dial Mr. S's extension number. 

Me: Hey....kwani uyo mse alikuwa amekusho utume Recommendation Letter? (He previously worked with us at the admin office and we'd been those kind of friends who were easy with each other. This explains the 'sheng' exchange) Na kwani ni mserious aje? Waaah...aki thanks sana. Hii inakaa deal poa sana.

Mr. S: We...imagine sina template ya such a Letter. Draft haraka haraka unitumie alafu niforward. Sawa?

Me: Sawa Morio, hapa lunch leo tunakula kuku Cafeteria.

Drafting the letter wasn't hard. My job entailed drafting lots of recommendation letters for students and so I just retrived an authentic well written sample letter I had saved and editted parts of it and sent it to Mr. S.

Just as I clicked 'Send', my phone buzzed. You already know who this is......

Mr. Mwangi: Mercy? Why haven't you called me back yet? Didn't I say that you are supposed to call me back after 5 minutes? Is this how you are going to operate once you come to The Kenya Redcross? Eeh?...

Me: Sir,...I'm really sorry but you were the one to call me...you mentioned it. I have just asked Mr.S to....

Mr. Mwangi: Aaah, wacha uongo! Haya, you said you have a pen and paper? What I'm going to say next is very critical to this phase of your life that you are about to start. Put these down on paper. Sawa?

Me: (with sweating palms and shaky voice) Okay sir...I am paying attention.

Mr. Mwangi: The post as I said earlier is for a PA. Since you have experience in such, from the various CV's brought to me I narrowed down to you since you are from a reputable organization and my assumption is that you are astute and pro-active. The NET Salary for this post is Ksh.72,000 minus all allowances so when you add the allowances you'll have around Ksh.95,000+ on a monthly basis? Unaniskia vizuri Mercy? ….eeeeh? Unajua sasa utakua unatembea hii Nairobi na pesa aina hio..umeskia??

I was keen on all he was saying until he mentioned the salary. JESUS OF ABRAHAM! Let me tell you I saw all my sorrows and problems go behind me like they never existed. In my mind, I had already started preparing for a road trip to Maasai Mara, smalll vacation in Mombasa...like, I was about to hit the jackpot. I would now at least re-decorate my house and get a nice TV and pay in full that blender I've always wanted. Jesus was going to come take my problems in a truck, I would not need to drop them at his feet...LOL

Me: Yes, sir. I understand.

Mr. Mwangi: So this is what we are going to do? Are you with me?...(I mumble a response but as usual he cuts in)...I would like to have a meeting with you this Wednesday and talk more about the post. I have so much work pending...I need the post filled soon.

Me: Sir, I'm afraid Wednesday will be a bad day for me, is it possible to kindly push this to Friday morning hours since I'll not be.....

Mr. Mwangi: Mercy, do you want this job?

Me: Yes, sir. I really want it and....

Mr. Mwas: NOW, please cooperate with me so that we get this thing done..maisha yako itabadilika

Having no option and eager for this too I just say cool...and move on with the coversation. He takes me through the requirements and what not; ID copy, CV, school certificates & transcripts..I mean, the guy already got my attention and at this point I just don't care wether he'll be a nasty boss or naah...I'm just a pretty ambitious lady looking into getting that paper.....What followed next is what now got me shook...

In between the hurried convo, Mr. Boss asks me whether I had my 2016 Tax Compliance Certificate after filing my returns. At the mention of this, I really just saw myself exercising the duties of a PA at Kenya Redcross and being quite bad-ass at it. Employers ask for such an item when the deal is ripe and complete, so this was indeed a sure bet. Little did I know that few minutes after this exchange, things were gonna go sideways. Here's how.....

So I tell Mr. Boss that I don't have one yet coz we were barely three months into the year and the deadline wasn't trying to press us down, so it no biggie at the moment. He retorted by saying something I thought was quite funny; “Mercy, yaani you are a 23yr old graduate walking in these streets of Nairobi bila kufile returns?? Why are you not being serious?” I just paused and tried to dodge that statement but he insisted on going on with it. 

“Do you have anyone in mid at your Finance office who sac rush through the process so that we have that certificate by close of business?”

“Yes, there is but at that's not something I can just bombard someone with, procedure has to be followed”

“Okay Mercy, Let me see what I can do. I will get back to you shortly.”  This part of the conversation cooled down a bit and his tone changed to a more accommodating tone and I thought, “Well, maybe this is one of those days for him...you know, those days where you're just angry at anything and everything..even a mere door..coz it won't open at your first attempt..haha”

As I wait the call, I share the amazing news with my colleague, who also happens to be my vent-to girl. She had, for the longest time, gave a listening ear to the many complaints I made regarding the current job and would occasionally share links for opportunities that came up. I was so excited and as a good friend would do, she was excited for me too...but also quite sad that I would leave her there with no udaku-mate. We bubble about it for some minutes and talk about how my life will change...in doing this, she mentions something that I didn't quite pay attention to because this was all about positivity..haha..”Are you sure this is genuine? Where did he say his office is? Has he given you his email address yet?”

This was cut short by some students who walked in and needed to be served by her. 

Mr. Boss calls

“I have just talked to my guy at KRA and he'll call you shortly to help you out, okay?”

“Okay, sir. Thank you so much...I'm very grateful...”

He hangs up. Not even 2 minutes go by Mr. Nyagah calls.

Nyagah: Hi Mercy. I'm Nyaga from KRA. Are you the lady who's supposed to report to work this week at Redcross?.....(I say yes and he goes like..) Nyinyi watu wa Redcross mbona huwa hivi aki? You like last-minute things...waaah....(he goes like..mmmh mmmh...) I have known Mr. Mwangi for sometime though so I'll just do him this one favour. ...but since it's a favour Mercy and you really need this job, I'll just charge you a very small amount. Sometimes I do it for 6k but for you I'll do Ksh. 4,850 

Not having become WOKE yet, I tell him that I don't have that kind of cash with me and it'll take sometime for me to get it. He says he will call back. Not even a 5 minutes go by, Mr. Mwangi calls. haha...

"Nyagah tells me that you don't have money for him to harakisha this thing for you? (I say yeas and explain same thing I explained to his fellow con-man)....What is we do it for 3k?..................

THIS, MY friends...was the moment I realized I HAD BEEN PLAYED. I tell him I'll call him back. I just went outside to a quiet place and started going through detail by detail of what this whole conversation was. First, this my referee had mentioned that he didn't know this guy...I brushed that off. He had rushed to give me an email to send my CV...(info@kenyaredcross.com)...Which boss uses info@.... for personal use? Why didn't he give me time to even say something back? Why the rush and force through this?....A TAX Compliance Cert for Ksh. 4,850??? And the time difference between his calls and Nyagah's calls??..Something is amiss. I just really laughed but deep down I really felt bad...How could I have not seen this??...How did I miss this? Had he not mentioned cash and asked for an interview, I would honestly have asked for an off day and went.

After my A-ha moment, I decide to call him back and just get some kind of closure as to why he would do that to people. He picks us and I calmly ask him why? His response, now relaxed and quite hilarious....."Mercy, leo umeponea. inakaa Mungu ako na wewe kila saa. Hii ni kazi my dear...kama tu venye wewe unafanya kazi, ndio sisi tunafanya kazi."....Apparently Mwangi and Nyagah were one and the same person...only with different phone and a slight twist of voice. "Hii life lazima ukuwe mjanja...na wewe leo umekuwa mjanja...ata bibi ako hapa anangoja kuna mtu anatuma pesa sai...we have bills to pay, insurance for cars, school fees to pay et cetera...if we are not wise enough, we suffer. After this, pia yeye usiku ataenda huko town atafute wateja."

I was just shaking my head and having no words to say...somehow him telling me that got me soft and friendly. No bitter exchange of words whatsoever even as he passed the phone to his wife to say 'hello' ...(hahaha...WTF was that?? haha....)...I finally just managed to tell him "Aki kitu mnafanya si poa. It's hurting people and one day things will turn around and hurt you guys too." He just responds by saying "Siku ya mwizi ni arubaini..yetu haijafika...maybe tuko ata siku ya 20." hahahaha....Jeeez! I laugh...he goes ahead and says "Leo umebahatika sana...panga siku moja tukunywe chai".....

...................

Though long to read through, this experience made me re-think so many things and I hope it does too. There are many people out there who fall victims to such con artist. This made me realize that it;s even not about your status in life or your level of education, bad things are sometimes disguised as good things, bad friends are sometimes disguised as good friends who 'see the best in you', bad deals come packaged in good envelope etc...it's only God who protects us. But then again, its good to be alert! Read...share experiences...maybe this is going to save some guy who's in dire need of a job and need a Tax Compliance Certificate asap!

Cheers to being WOKE...the good kind of woke...not the slay-queen version of wokeness!

PS: Pardon me for any spelling/grammar mistakes you might have seen above...human is to err :)