CHANGE YANGU BRO!

What's that one thing about your pre-kuomoka life right now that you seem to really like or really hate? Chances are that in some few years to come your life will take a turn for the best, or for the worst depending on the choices you're making now, right? We're a hopeful and positive nation (and might I add, very religious) so our eyes are set on life going great, yes? Tunasonga mdogo mdogo tu, kuomoka iko kwa horizon. Before my grand majestic entry into the kuomoka kingdom in few years, there are few things here and there that make my heart leap with joy about life as is now, one of them being Nairobi's Matatu Culture. Mmmh, on second thought, I think I'm stretching it when I say it makes my heart leap with joy, let's reserve that for falling in love. Anyway, matatu culture makes me enjoy my Footshoebishi and Legsus days lakini sio kila siku.

Nikipiganga budget yangu ya transport kuenda job for the month, nawekanga around 200/- ama 220/- max per day. Sisi ndio wale mnasemaga tunatravel, inafika mahali tunaambiwa tushuke tukojoe😂. Usually, morning hours, ndio nifike my usual destination fare ni 100/- but nikichelewa sana nipate wasee ni wengi stage na mat ni kiasi rate inapanda na mbao ama fifty kakienda sana, venye inafaa. Supply/demand theory, I don't think in this sector there's ever a point in time where there's a market equilibrium, the shift is constant. Sijui kama niite hack ama workaround, my personal way of making sure that I stick to my 'fare budget' is this; asubuhi kama my to-do list isn't that heavy I'm okay leaving home when I'm sure there's many matatus at the stage and I'll pay my usual 100 bob, or less (very rare). When my day's loaded, mostly the first 3 days of the week, I don't even fight it when the kange (I hear people from Kile call them that) asks for 120/- or 150/- (😖). Nganya's are the order of the day on the route I use (Route 111) but I didn't initially use them when I first moved houses coz nlikuwa nafika job asubuhi nafeel nikama nimetoka rave😂. Ile entertainment iko pale mtu yangu, ni DJ tu hakuna. So kuavoid hio kelele asubuhi nikaanza kupanda hizi gari zimetulia za wazee in the hope that ntafikanga job ka nimetulia bila kelele mingi, shock on me.

Hizi gari zingine kumbe zikona kelele type yake 😂😂. One, zitasimama kila stage kuitana ju mostly wasee wanazipanda ni wasee wanaenda short distances hawafiki tao na lazima gari ifike jiji kama imejaa. Second, ile kelele nasema ni gari yenyewe imechapa ikona instumentals za Tuktuk sa lazima dere pia aibembeleze before siku ya service ifike. Ju ya hio story unatoka Ngong Monday unafika tao Wednesday saa nane 😂😂. Last but not least unaingia tu mat polepole na earphones zako za River Road zimespoil side moja unaskiza gospel zako bila jasho gari inajaa and you're hoping for a smooth ride, unapatia makanga pesa yake, kidogo kidogo unaskia pale mbele kamsee kameamka, "Wapendwa asubuhi ya leo nimetumwa kama nabii wa Bwana niwaletee neno kutoka Zaburi mlango wa kumi na...."😓😖🙅 Halafu kuna mwingine siku moja anaanza kuimba before aanze kuitisha sadaka..."Waumini wacha na tumalizie na pambio...." 😂😂😂😂😂😂 In my head, while we're not even close to CBD, I'm like MAKE IT STOP JESUS! I know it's you we're serving and talking about but YAHWEH pleaase😆...make it all stop! Nishalipa ferare siwezi shuka. I love Jesus but man, these people be commecializing the whole thing, I hate it. I had my fair share of the other side so I went back to Nganya's, mahali rika yangu iko and I've never looked back. Nganya hakuna hio unnecessary preaching, hakuna hawking, tunafika tao haraka bila jasho, nowadays wako considerate tunawekewa soft gospel or classics in the morning halafu jioni kama K tuko 1824 on our way home because why not?

When I've had a really exhausting day and I just want a quiet drive home I opt for KBS because they started plying that route too. Other than the chill drive that they come with, their rate is the same Jan to Dec, peak or no peak hours, 100/-. They give you a receipt after payment which is cool and if the donda doesn't have enough 'change' (shouldn't it be called Balance?) he notes it down on the receipt for you to claim once he gets enough to give you. It's also your responsibility to 'remind him' 😬 lest he claims to have already given you the money mkifika mwisho. I like how they're organised, even while boarding kuna queue, no quabbles, no pressure kama pale my usual hub a.k.a Nganyaville. Things are changing tho 😊.

Last Friday was such a day. Mimi huyo nkatoka kwa employer nimebeat ile serious so hakuna venye ningeenda kwa ile kelele yote, nilipe 150/- ju ni rush hour na kuna line naweza panga nilipe kioo na nifike mtaa bila headache. "Hata kama ntafika kesho ni sawa😤", I said. Afterall, issa Friday". Kama kuna makosa tunakuanga nayo kama Wakenya ni kupanda gari na pesa kubwa. Pesa kubwa inaenza fanya ukuwe na stress the whole ride home especially kama uko kwa Nganya mahali makanga hukuwa kama wasaba hivi. Unapeana pesa unashangaa nani unafaa kuitisha change ju mwenye ulipea pesa alikuwa msee wa kujaza gari ama 'kamagira'. Kama hutaki stress na mashida na watu panda gari na pesa imewachana bro. Lakini mimi ni nani? Si hii ni KBS? Si wako organized? Si watanipea risiti? Why worry? Why stress? Ingia gari, kaa chini, peana 500/-, chukua risiti yako, confirm ameandika balance hapo juu, weka 24 kwa simu, series matata pale, weka earphones, season 5 endelea kujiburudisha na Jack Bauer ukiwa kwenye ride because you know whaaaat?? Nairobi Gatchu. (Wakurugenzi hapa wamesoma venye inafaa 😎😎)

Peace nlikuwa nadai ndio hio hapo, people are minding their business kama kawa. Konkodi akamaliza kazi yake ya collecting what belongs to Caesar akarudi akajisetti pale kwake kajourney kakaendela bila streeee? stress. Wajanja walijua wakaitisha change mapema ndio wasisahau. Mimi mtoto wa Holywood safari ikiendelea niko Los Angeles, Counter Terrorist Unit niko pale kwa Situation Room pamoja na Chloe O'brien, programmer mashuhuri pale tunasaidiana kuhack into the US Justice Department server ndio tusaidie bazenga wetu Jack Bauer kuaccess information ndiposa crisis iishe. Ile pesa nililipia gari kutoka tao ilinipeleka moja kwa moja, mbili kwa tatu hadi L.A, what is small small pocket change surely? Hata wewe ukiangalia kwa undani, worris that? 😂 Mwili yenye iko huku Nairobi ilikuwa kumbe ishafika destination na ikashuka gari. By the time narealize niko Kenya kwa Jayden kutoa earphones kuangalia juu, ndio ile KBS inapiga corner inarudi tao. Timestamp: 1940hours, East African Time.

It was at that point ladies and gentlemen that I remembered I was indeed not in Los Angeles, I was in Kajiado Kaundy with non other than Jack Bauer Kang'ethe. Pesa yangu ya tokens na fare ya siku mbili ndio ile pale kwa KBS nimetoa kama sadaka. Ile sadaka huwa sitaki kutoa kwa zile gari zetu😂. Is this how Yahweh was deciding to punish my deeds? Is this the way it was going to end? I have done so many things in my life but I never imagined I'd run after something how they do in movies. You know that overplayed scene where two lovebirds break up after a petty argument and one storms out of the room, mostly the lady, get into their car and drives off? Halafu their partner follows immediately after on a motorbike (or car) because he's suddenly realized that this shawty is the love of his life and he's just being senseless? This was me. I decided that even if it had bite itself each other, it wasn't just gonna go like that while me I am just looking fwaaa. So ghafla bin vuu, Osama bin Laden mimi huyooo nikachukua Jack Bauer Kang'ethe, the closest nduthi man I could see around.

"Bro....fuata ile KBS iko mbele!"

"Mbona madam na nimeona ukishuka sai?"

"We unataka pesa kweli na hizi maswali zako bro?"

Mi saizo nishapanda nduthi I am ready for action. There's no way I am letting this GO. Surely it does not end like this? Surely I have been too obedient this year to have this happen today. I have even successfully acquired my secondary virginity for the lack of action that I have (not) been getting lately for crying out loud. I am clean! Surely I have worn a mask and sanitized! Why today of all days Yahweh? But again, Yahweh was just chillin.....😂😂, probably on a beach or something, minding his business, and maybe sippin' on some chilled Sangria, or something. Disregard the last statement brethren, I don't want to be called out for Blasphemy. It's a joke, goddammit brother Zephania! 😤😍 It's all love and light over here, and maybe add 'thoughts and prayers'?

"Madam naona KBS mbili na hukoo sides za stage, ni gani tunafuata na ni kwa nini?"

"Nimesahau change yangu hapo."

"How much?"

"400 bob aki.....imagine!"

"Waaaaaah, hio nayo ni mingi madam!" 

He added as he increased the motorbike's speed going after our target. As the speed increased I realized my Jack Bauer Kang'ethe was slightly under the influence of ile kitu so I held onto his dusty jacket that's allergic to being cleaned as he meandered the now clearing road on our way back to where? Nairoberry. Here's the thing. Venye tulishukishwa stage, two other KBS buses got there immediately after. One big one kama yenye nilikuwa nimepanda, na ingine ndogo ikafika ya mwisho. I should add that this stage is the central bus terminal where 'mwisho wa gari' is so zikifika hapa zinarudi safari afresh. Lakini KBS ni kama kuku, waufunga mapema. Nikama hii trip ilikuwa ya 2nd last so walikuwa wanashindana waone nani atafika tao abebe lot ya mwisho. Tulishukishwa mbio mbio ndio waanze speedy wafike wanyakue first spot. You get?

"Umesema ile kubwa? Naona Mbili? Halafu watajua aje unasema ukweli?" my Bauer now shouting because it's too noisy and we're moving at a very high speed.

"Nikona ile risiti hao hupeana wacha niitoe kwa purse."

KBS zilikuwa zimefuatana zinaenda kuenda you guy. My nduthi guy naye ni naniiii??? 😂😂😂😂Anazifuata nyuma kama motorcade ya Jayden ikienda mahali kuna kitu inafaa ikuwe launched. Mimi naye nimeshikilia risiti na purse kwa mkono moja, ingine nimeshikilia jacket ya Bauer, we are GAME ON, ni kama movie, ni kama youtube relationship ndrama! Hii time yote tunakimbiza mia nne wadau. 😂😂😂 Hio ni pesa mingi broooo...Bauer na mimi hatungewacha hii pesa iende tu ivo. We were making progress, my guy veered off the road so we were side by side with the bus that was 2nd.

"Wewe mbona mnatoroka na change ya madam??" My saviour goes akihoot ile serious ungedhani tunaenda Ruracio pale Tigoni (why do people do that? Can people just come pick the bride without making it everybody's business?😂😒 Anyway, roho chafu ni mbaya waaaahh....inanichoke, inaniaffect..😂) Kuangalia makanga amehang kwa mlango nikarealize si huyo, ni ule ako kwa gari ya mbele 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 Sema Kang'ethe kushikwa na Roho Mtakatifu! 

Tulifika hapo mbele in a second. The driver didn't understand why this nduthi guy was about to block his way and this lady on the back waving at him to stop. He wasn't aware that there was a disgruntled passenger asking for change because had he known, he'd have slowed down. The driver kept driving albeit slowly to our advantage, because there were some few cars making a turn just ahead. This gave me an opportunity to wave my receipt at the 'bus attendant' shouting,

"Hukunipea change!!"

"Wewe ulikuwa wapi nikiambia watu waseme kama nikona change yao????" 

I wanted to tell this man that I was in L.A doing things only the US government would be thankful for but nikaambia Sir Jah anifundishe kunyamaza. The bus pulled over and I showed him the receipt. He picked a bunch of 50 bob notes and handed them to me saying "Na next time ukicheza pesa itaenda hivo, kuwa alert next time madam!"

"Wewe wacha zako mlikuwa mnatoroka na pesa ya mteja." Guess who chimed in? You guessed right, My beloved Mr. Bauer Kang'ethe, my knight in shining armor, my one time on-the-ground Jack Bauer 😂😂😂 Pesa yangu nilipewa my guy akanirudisha stage na ile ile speed yake. Na ndio ujue Kenyans are paupers na wakona roho ngumu, deep in poverty the government needs to step in this gender had the audacity to give Bauer 50 bob😂😂😂. Yooooo, it's nothing personal, it's business. Call Polis. Distanace haikuwa hata refu hivo - Anyway, wahenga hakukosewa walipotupaka mafuta ya Arimis waliposema asante ya mateke ni punda na yaliyondwele sipite.

I love when these thrilling stuff happen in these my pre-kuomoka days!