QUORA 2: MY BODY INSECURITIES

Body insecurities. ​Do I have any?

YES.

Despite now being the time I feel the sexiest and/or healthiest, I’ve still got major body insecurities. I feel like I’m insecure about a certain part of my body every day. One day I might be worried sick about how long my arms are, another day how wide/big my head is, lol. The one constant and probably long struggle I’ve had is my skin. I don’t know whether calling it sensitive fits the whole situation but my skin is pretty delicate and it’s got a lot of things going on. It being the largest organ worsens the situation because it’s all I see and while I don’t give much thought to other parts of my body that aren’t aesthetically pleasing, this one I think about pretty often.

We don’t pay much attention to our bodies until some changes start to actively show, like say hitting puberty. I was a very late bloomer. Stuff like breasts and having periods happened to me way late into High School days. While my peers were experiencing cramps I was silently hoping that one day my boobs would miraculously pop up. It was not much of an issue to me until I started seeing girls my age developing them and I'm there with a few others wondering why the magic wand skipped us. I once made an attempt to try and traditionally make them grow. Some cousin of mine at ushago who'd reached peak development; boobs, hips, ass and alladat stuff suggested a trick. A trick so simple, that would get me what I'd wished for and some attention from boys because I was clearly not a boy magnet seeing that I lacked the 'frame' they would typically be drawn to. The trick involved going to the river huko ocha, catching some black beetle-like creature that swam on shallow ends of the river, place it on my bare chest and let it bite any section then wait for few weeks for results. Yeah, you guessed right, the trick was a total fail and the said cousin and I still joke about it to date.

In 2005 when it was just my siblings and my mom, then a single mom (dad had already passed on), I started noticing that every time something would scratch me, a wound would take longer to heal. The situation worsened when we'd take those holiday trips to upcountry, those April, August and December trips? While there I would get pricked by God knows every branch when we went to fetch firewood or “kumoto” in Luo. There's also so much handiwork done there and it meant more bruises. In the same year my skin started developing some patches, irritatingly itchy patches that would appear on my back, elbows, legs, scalp and severely on my ear lobes. My mom noticed how I would scratch often and the first thought was that I had ‘mashilingi’. She tried all OTC creams available on me. I would apply some creams and the rashes would disappear for months then come back again. When they disappeared they’d leave patches of skin area that would look like birth marks and when they reappeared they’d take up other spaces 😔. I was too young to worry at the time until the patches started becoming noticeable to my friends at school, standard 6. Then the incessant questions started. “Ni nini iko kwa maskio yako?” “Kwa nini unajikuna kuna kila saa?” To avoid these, I started wearing long sleeved clothes and never removing sweaters even when we went for P.E. The teachers would demand that I remove my sweater because it was clearly hot but I would often feign sickness to avoid the glaring eyes of clueless kids going about their day. The condition disappeared all of grade 7. In std 8, I got transferred to a new school and with it came the return of the nightmare. It got so bad I used to scratch my ears until they got bloody. I would sometimes cry, not because of the itchiness but because it was distracting me from classes. I was a bright student (thought I’d throw that in there because why not?😎) 

In High School, the condition miraculously disappeared, completely. The patches were still around tho. I didn’t think much of them and wasn’t bothered as well especially when I joined form 1. Remember my blooming hadn’t even given me a trailer/teaser yet so I didn’t pay much attention to what my body looked or felt like. Form 2 brought its force along and that's when it hit me that I was a girl and girls needed to look a certain way. Longer skirts needed to be shortened and tightened, ears pierced, hair styled well, perfumes bought, etc. The pressure at that stage was too much. I got my periods around that time too so talk about blooming when it was necessary! Ze breasts had joined ze WhatsApp group.  We was transitioning from wearing ‘camisoles/boob tops’ to real bras. Oh, the joy! I remember feeling so womanly 😄. Things skin were good even with the occasional manageable minor flare ups. I didn't struggle with it till I cleared school on that sunny Thursday afternoon; November 10th 2011.

I went to campus and insecurity came along with me. It didn’t help that it was freaking Strathmore where most things (and people) just look like they're from Venus or something close. I really struggled to fit in this place btw. Being there gave me major anxiety. I never wore a dress or a skirt in SU. The birthmark-like patches on my legs, thighs and elbow disgusted me so much I couldn’t bring myself to expose them to the world. I’d spent so many younger years telling the world about them, I’d ran out of answers. There were no strict dress-code rule at my then Help-Desk job so trousers all day, all year wasn’t a problem. Colleagues would ask me why I wouldn’t wear skirts or dresses to work and I’d brush all that with lies about how I didn’t like dresses or how they’d look so bad on me. 

I got into a relationship in 2nd year. We’d been friends for over a year and I’d slowly opened up to him about how I hated my skin, my teeth, my face, my legs, MY BODY. Most of the fights we had in the first year of being together revolved around me claiming I wasn’t AAALLLLL THAT attractive for him to want more with me. I was mad insecure, thanks to who? You know the answer. He one day, out of the blues, told me that he’d done some research and found a Dermatologist who could do some tests on me so that we find out what the skin condition really was. This was after a decade of not having a name to this thing. 1st Floor, Scripture Plaza, Hurlingam held all our answers. One Dr. Gakuru finally told us what it was. 

PSORIASIS (Google definition) A skin condition in which skin cells build up and form scales and itchy, dry patches. Psoriasis is thought to be an immune system problem. Triggers include infections, stress and cold. The most common symptom is a rash on the skin, but sometimes the rash involves the nails or joints. Treatment aims to remove scales and stop skin cells from growing so quickly. Topical ointments, light therapy and medication can offer relief. It isn't contagious. Gotta write that in bold hehe..

The write-ups I've read say that the effects are more psychological & emotional than physical. I don't hurt from the patches at all, I haven't for a very long time. Since I got to know the right creams to use the situation is manageable. The space it's aftermath sometimes occupy in my head tho 😖😖?! That's what the post's about. I used to really be ashamed of it but now that I know what exactly it is and how to handle it I don't give it much thought. I wear my short dresses and skirts whenever because life is short and I'm not about giving power to something I have zero control over. They say there's no cure. Sad, right? Now what, do we stop living? Nah.