The Inside Job

I don't like how I get when I haven't been before God and I've noticed it about myself. When there's distance between us, seasons of life hit harder, anxiety feels closer, I get irritated more easily, I am more angry at things, and sometimes people, that probably don't deserve that much of my anger, I talk back, I react. I become less patient.

I'm not saying everything becomes perfect when I'm praying consistently. Life still be lifing in those moments. Motherhood still be hooding. There are still hard days and things I don't understand but there is something different about me when I am firmly working on my relationship with God. I feel centred.

My relationship with God affects much more than my spiritual life. It affects my emotions, my patience, my responses, how I treat myself , others and even how I carry the ordinary pressures of life.

In this season, there are days when prayer gets pushed down the list. The baby needs a boobie, I'm tired, the house needs attention, there is work to think about and before I know it, what was once a rhythm becomes something I keep saying I'll get back to. Truth us, I don't think I can afford to keep treating my relationship with God as something I'll get back to when life settles, because there's never going to be a point when life 'settles'.

I heard a quote this past weekend from my best couple: “When your prayer becomes irregular, your temptations become regular.” That stayed with me.

Maybe because I know it's true for me in ways that aren't always dramatic. Sometimes the temptation isn't some huge, obvious sin. Sometimes it's impatience, anger, pride, talking back, overthinking, wanting control and allowing my emotions to lead me. This is where I think Christians have to be honest about the work we need to do.

We spend so much time working on the outside. Our careers. Our businesses. Our bodies. Our homes. Our goals. Our appearance. But what are we doing about the inside?

• What is happening in my heart?
• What is happening to my character?
• Who am I becoming when nobody is watching?

I love myself enough to know that seeking God's face is a form of self-love for me. Not because I believe I can fix myself, but because I know who I am without Him. So I will keep trying again.

Not because I've suddenly figured it all out. I haven't. I'm simply learning that I need to return to God, again and again, especially when life gets full and perhaps this is some of the work of my current season; not just becoming a better mother, employee, leader or woman on the outside, but allowing God to keep working on the woman on the inside.

That work may not always be visible.

But I think it matters most.